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Dramione Advent Calendar
December 11 
11th-Dec-2009 08:41 am
HP - Dramione - Dramione Advent2

Title: Inlaws, Bylaws and Just Desserts
Author: Gravidy
Rating: G
Word Count: 2000
Prompt: Gingerbread House
Warnings: None
Summary: After two years of dating Draco, Hermione is sure she’s ready for a holiday dinner with Draco’s folks.
A/N: Hey. Look at me. I actually wrote something that’s only 2000 words. And HOLY CRAP, it’s rated G. Try and spot all of the places where I had to hold myself back from writing something inappropriate. I think this may have inspired me to do more drabbles.





There.

Nearly done.

The magnum opus of her baking skills was almost sixty centimeters long, thirty centimeters wide, thirty centimeters tall and dripping with sweet white frosting. She’d used chocolate bricks as shingles for the rooftop, lined the door and windows with candy cane pieces, and used peppermints and gumdrops and hard candies for color, before dusting the whole thing with powdered sugar.

It was gorgeous.

“What in Merlin’s name are you doing?”

Hermione popped another M&M in her mouth and mentally patted herself on the back for not jumping out of her skin. Without glancing back at Draco, she slapped the pale hand that automatically reached around her to grab at the piles of candy on the counter top.

“OW!” And received a hard tug on her hair in retribution and when she did turn around, ready to scold, she got a hard, wet smack of lips on lips before he darted out of striking distance.

They scowled warily at each other, but Hermione conceded the impasse and turned back to her task.

“I’m making your parents a Muggle confectionary centerpiece-slash-dessert.” She answered his question.

“Oooo, that’s fantastic! They’ll hate it!” Draco chortled gleefully and, deeming it safe to approach, snuck forward again to see.

“Your father thinks he’s got me cornered.” Hermione explained matter-of-factly, ignoring him coming up behind her and placing his hands on either side of her—quite literally breathing down her neck. “According to the laws of Pureblood etiquette, if I bring food to his table it’s an insult to his household saying that he’s too poor and weak to adequately feed a guest. But if I don’t bring some sort of sweet food as a gift then it’s an insult to his household saying not only that I have no regard for him and his family but that I expect them to serve me.” She huffed and picked up a green square of hard candy and slipped it between Draco’s lips—she knew better than to try and give him yellow or red. He hummed happily. “Honestly, if your precious Pureblood rules aren’t ridiculous, then they’re completely contradictory.”

“It makes perfect sense to me.” Draco shrugged, sucking on his candy.

“It would.” Hermione muttered darkly.

“It’s so we always have the option in any given situation to choose whether or not to be offended.” He told her blithely. “You can’t just cut someone down at the dinner table while they pass the peas just because the mood strikes you. You need a legitimate fake reason to blame your homicidal tendencies on.”

“Now that I believe. Thus, I give to you: Gingerbread House. It’s a sweet, but it’s usually only for decoration, but it can be eaten. So if Lucius tries to be offended that I brought food to his table, then I tell him it’s a decoration. If he tries to be offended that I didn’t bring food, then it’s food. Plus, it’s handmade, which is an insult because I didn’t use magic—and Purebloods must do absolutely everything with magic—but it’s also a very great compliment because I took the time to do it without magic. Either way he can’t complain without seriously offending my household and his own beloved rules of etiquette.”

Draco opened his mouth but she shut him up with a marshmallow. He munched on it happily and Hermione thought stupidly that maybe he hadn’t been going to say anything. Maybe he’d just opened his mouth like a baby bird and she’d responded appropriately.

“I already checked on the Muggle thing.” She explained anyway, “No Pureblood worth his salt would ever ever EVER bring Muggle food to a Pureblood home so there’s no rule against it.” She said proudly.

“Kinda small, isn’t it?” Draco noted idly, leaning heavily against her back and curling his lip disdainfully, “It’s not really a house. It’s more like a shack. A gingerbread shack. Probably full of gingerbread Weasleys.”

Hermione stared moodily at her beautiful masterpiece that had taken her hours to complete and tried hard not to be annoyed and/or smack Draco in the head. He’d grown up in a mansion after all.

“Yes.” She agreed sourly, brutally honest with herself, “It’s very small. Tiny in fact. Tiny like your father’s shriveled black heart.”

“Ouch.” Draco gasped out a surprised laugh.

To Hermione’s delight, Draco seemed very curious about her project and they spent the rest of the afternoon putting the finishing touches on the gingerbread house and then decorating some gingerbread men. He, of course, had to make a wholesome activity into a perverted debacle and Hermione was forced to vanish several obscene cookies before they were through.

But on the whole, she felt very accomplished.


----- ----- ----- ----- -----


“AAAGH! Uurg! I mean . . . just . . . GAH!” Hermione shook clenched fists, stomping furiously through the light blanket of powdered snow that covered the grounds of the Malfoy’s property. Her orange face was screwed up in rage and her extra-long, warty nose bobbed up and down as she stomped, dripping leeches and frogs in a glistening trail. The moon was bright, shining off the snow and lighting their path as they stumbled in shameful defeat from the manor.

Or rather she stumbled. It was probably hard to walk gracefully with a hunchback after all, Draco thought sympathetically.

Draco strolled along beside her much more casually, his long perky rabbit ears—well they could have been donkey ears but Draco was 90% certain they were rabbit ears—twitching about as he kept an eye on the white peacocks. The peacocks, which seemed impervious to the cold, raised their heads to watch them as they passed and Draco stepped closer to Hermione, thinking he saw a glint here and there of blue light. He’d never told Hermione that the beasts could shoot beams of blue fire from their eyes to incinerate intruders.

He didn’t want to scare her.

Hermione was still ranting in incoherent half-sentences, “How could . . . how did . . . and then that . . . and we . . . AAGH!” she stopped for a moment to jump up and down in one place, dropping frogs and leeches like a piñata dropped candy.

Draco knew better than to snort.

She turned on him anyway, spindly nose flopping comically, “There was no ‘Celebration of King Audenberry’ last year! So I don’t see how we ‘offended his memory’ by not bringing an offering of incense and two tickets to the next Holyhead Harpies match.”

“Oh! My mother loves the Holyhead Harpies!” Draco piped up, then immediately wilted at the look he received.

Hermione continued her rant, “And what in the world is the ‘Eidenbreck Ceremony’? Who the hell is Grimlow Murdoon and what was he smoking when he came up with that . . . that completely ridiculous, that utterly preposterous set of etiquette rules?”

Without waiting for an answer she wheeled away and continued tromping towards the front gates.

Draco waited patiently and sure enough, she hadn’t gone twelve paces when she whipped back around.

“Folding your napkin in your lap is NOT a death threat to the host. No Pureblood I ever spoke to said ANYTHING about what angle my spoon was supposed to be held at in relation to the alignment of the planets. Shooting infertility spells at me under the table and spitting in my drink is NOT a compliment. And Astoria—Merlin, I’m going to bust that girl’s face open—Astoria Herpes Von Gangrene Ass is NOT allowed to grope you for ‘blessings of good fertility’ just because she has a chaperone present. AGH! I studied for this ALL year! I was so sure I HAD him!” she punched the air a couple of times like a boxer. Draco noted idly that she had great form. This did not bode well for the future of Astoria’s face.

“Father studied for it all year as well.” Draco reminded her placidly. “I’m certain he worked himself into quite a froth after you nearly made it out of the manor alive last year without any serious injuries or infractions. And remember, he has fifteen-hundred years of history to draw on.”

“Yes!” Hermione hissed, clenching her hairy, clawed fingers in front of her face with a, quite frankly, alarming expression on her face, “At least this year I’m allowed to walk out in disgrace after he banished us instead of them putting hoods over our heads and having the House Elves hurl us into the Pit-of-Despair-from-whence-no-one-returns-except-if-they’re-a-Malfoy-and-know-where-the-door-is.”

“Yes, wasn’t that nice of father?” He consoled cheerily, “And I really think Uncle Lucifer is warming up to you. He only cursed our posterity with a thousand years of darkness. That’s almost like blessing our union. So you see, it wasn’t all bad. Didn’t you see how much my mother hated your gingerbread house? I don’t know about you, but it certainly made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”

Hermione started to brighten slightly but it turned into a grimace. She flicked a clinging frog off her dress, “Was it really necessary for your mother to dress in full mourning regalia, pretend you were dead, cry and wail all over a photograph of you throughout dinner and then give you a drunken eulogy over dessert.”

Draco only smiled a little.

Hermione whacked him on the arm with her purse, sending frogs and leeches flying everywhere, “She called me ‘that dirty tart’ the whole time and you said nothing to stop her.”

Draco shrugged, “I was ‘dead’, she couldn’t hear me.”

“That’s no excuse! I felt like I was alone in there! You completely abandoned me!” Her eyes narrowed in sudden suspicion and her arms crossed, “You know, this isn’t like you. At all. You set Blaise Zabini on fire last year because he said powder blue wasn’t your color but tonight you just sat there and it was a bloody nightmare. Your father utterly humiliated you and ME six ways to Sunday in front of half the Pureblood nation. Even now, he’s in there cackling at our expense and you’re so . . . so serene. Have you been guzzling Calming Draught or something? Not that I blame you, but at least you could have shared.”

He smiled gently, “Hermione. I’m a true Pureblood and it is beneath me to sink to their level. My father had to obsessively dig through musty old tomes for months to do what he did tonight, if not outright make up rules to ‘catch’ you breaking them. Doesn’t that seem at all pathetic to you? We’re better than him and he knows it.”

Hermione stared at him, jaw slack. “Dear Merlin, you’re on drugs.”

There was a sudden deep muffled WHUMF from the manor and a shockwave of power rippled through the air, causing Hermione to teeter slightly in surprise, her mucky seaweed hair blowing wildly for a second or two.

Draco’s serene smile twisted into something psychotic. “Aaaaaaand I rigged your gingerbread house to explode. We should really run away now.”

“Huh? W-what?” she said stupidly.

There were angry shrieks and screams from inside the manor.

“Run!”

The two of them bolted like mad for the gates at the front of the property, sending peacocks flapping out of their way with startled cries and, to Hermione’s confusion, setting off several blasts of strange blue lights, the origins of which Hermione couldn’t see. Furious yelling caused Hermione to glance over her shoulder back at the manor and she gaped. Draco laughed manically beside her.

The Malfoy manor was now an absolutely dazzling, candy-coated gingerbread masterpiece that filled Hermione’s little heart with gingerbread envy. A giant gingerbread man with long white frosting hair stood at the door of the manor, licorice eyebrows slanted down over sparkling, sugary ice-blue gumdrop eyes as it shouted angrily and shook its large brown arm at them.

They barely squeezed through the wrought iron gates before the bars slammed together and Draco used her momentum to sweep her quickly up into his arms, “And as for the ‘dirty tart’ thing, I always kinda liked that about you.”

And he Apparated them away until next Christmas.


End.


AN: Albino peacocks that enjoy subzero temperatures and shoot laser beams from their eyes. Deal with it.
Comments 
11th-Dec-2009 07:59 am (UTC)
roflmao. Perfect timing, I can go to work and smile the whole (crappy) day that lies ahead of me.
Would Draco eat blue candy? lol!
14th-Dec-2009 01:37 am (UTC)
Yay! I'm glad it helped you start your day with a smile and I hope the rest of your day wasn't as bad as the forecast predicted. And yes, Draco would eat blue candy. He'd kinda give it a little sneer but he'd eat it. He would eat red and yellow candy too, but only if no one was looking.
11th-Dec-2009 10:54 am (UTC)
I laughed the whole time.“Aaaaaaand I rigged your gingerbread house to explode. We should really run away now.” I loved every part of this story. Well done!
14th-Dec-2009 01:55 am (UTC)
Thank you! I don't know about you but the holidays make my family crazy (and some of them crazy mean) so I was all about releasing holiday tension and having fun with this fic. Therefore: I am ecstatic that it made you laugh.
11th-Dec-2009 11:00 am (UTC)
I don't think I can post a proper comment because I'm laughing so hard. Honestly, this was absolutely brilliant and hilarious and a great use of your prompt. I got such a happy at picturing gingerbread!Lucius! I loved everything about it really. Amazing job! ♥
14th-Dec-2009 02:03 am (UTC)
>>I don't think I can post a proper comment because I'm laughing so hard.

Woohoo! Nice.

>>I got such a happy at picturing gingerbread!Lucius!

The best thing about gingerbread!Lucius, and I didn't even get to write about it, was his stubby, round, fingerless gingerbread arm trying to grab hold of a wand with which to curse Draco (or turn a doorknob *sweatdrop*. . . uh, but by that point he was so mad that the front door banged open for him MAGICALLY. Phew! *looks around nervously cuz she just covered her own plot-hole* )
11th-Dec-2009 11:28 am (UTC)
HAHAHA! Brilliant. I really enjoyed Hermione's quest to best Lucius and all the silly and stupid Pureblood rules. Really put a smile on my face, this one. :)
14th-Dec-2009 02:22 am (UTC)
Thank you!

>>I really enjoyed Hermione's quest to best Lucius

I like to think that those two are best frenemies for LIFE.

11th-Dec-2009 12:18 pm (UTC)
It's like a cracked up version of a family dinner. Who said pureblood dinners were stiff and formal? *laughs*

Gingerbread mansion! XD

This was awesome, thank you for sharing!
14th-Dec-2009 02:47 am (UTC)
Thank you so much for reading. I was kinda hemming and hawing cuz I feel like I've done the whole dinner plot before. But I hate holiday family dinners myself and wanted to sort of pay homage to that night of horror that comes every year.
11th-Dec-2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
“It’s so we always have the option in any given situation to choose whether or not to be offended.” He told her blithely. “You can’t just cut someone down at the dinner table while they pass the peas just because the mood strikes you. You need a legitimate fake reason to blame your homicidal tendencies on.” Loved this bit - it's the most fun version of "damned if do, damned if you don't" I've seen. And we do all have our "legitimate fake reasons" for all sorts of things - so in the midst of all the zaniness, this rang quite true. As for the rest of it: thanks for the snark- fest - it was a great way to begin a Friday!!


14th-Dec-2009 03:08 am (UTC)
"It's the holidays" Is my legitimate fake reason for stuffing my face with fudge and sugar cookies. XD Thank you. Glad you enjoyed the story!
11th-Dec-2009 04:01 pm (UTC)
Love this! it's hilarious!
14th-Dec-2009 03:09 am (UTC)
Thank you!!! *huggles*
11th-Dec-2009 04:56 pm (UTC)
This was hilarious! Exploding gingerbread houses, killer peacocks, all the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" Pureblood laws...Christmas at the Malfoys' sure is a treacherous experience! :D
14th-Dec-2009 08:45 pm (UTC)
>>Christmas at the Malfoys' sure is a treacherous experience!

Haha! I think the fact that the Draco and Hermione made it out without bodily injury or having their memories seriously modified is very telling. Lucius and Narcissa might be poor sports about the whole thing, but in their own twisted way they accept that they're not getting rid of Hermione any time soon.

Thanks for reading!

11th-Dec-2009 05:19 pm (UTC)
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

“It’s not really a house. It’s more like a shack. A gingerbread shack. Probably full of gingerbread Weasleys.”

and

“Aaaaaaand I rigged your gingerbread house to explode. We should really run away now.”

Were made of absolute win! Wonderful work!

15th-Dec-2009 06:46 am (UTC)
Heehee. Thank you! In this instance I think Draco at his worst is very similar to Draco at his best. Which just amuses the heck out of me.
11th-Dec-2009 05:22 pm (UTC)
OH GOD THIS WAS AWESOME. For 2000 words, dearie, you did an amazing awesome job. <3

I can just see Draco saying his line about the exploding gingerbread house in one really rushed breath LMAO.

Albino peacocks that enjoy subzero temperatures and shoot laser beams from their eyes. Deal with it. And this? MADE MY DAY, LADY. Made my day.

Thank you for such an amazing treat!
15th-Dec-2009 06:51 am (UTC)
Yay! Thank yooou! *smooch* I've never written a drabble before so I kinda stuck to the 2000 words thing religiously. There were a lot of little things I wish I could have stuck in there but it's probably good that I didn't because I usually don't know when to stop.

>>Albino peacocks that enjoy subzero temperatures

I kinda toed the line of silliness there. I didn't want to be too ridiculous but then I wrote in that part about Hermione seeing the "blue lights" and not knowing where they were coming from and I couldn't bring myself take it out.
11th-Dec-2009 05:29 pm (UTC)
“Yes.” She agreed sourly, brutally honest with herself, “It’s very small. Tiny in fact. Tiny like your father’s shriveled black heart.”

~cackles with glee~

Fornicating anatomically-correct gingerbread men, I hope?

The peacocks, which seemed impervious to the cold, raised their heads to watch them as they passed and Draco stepped closer to Hermione, thinking he saw a glint here and there of blue light. He’d never told Hermione that the beasts could shoot beams of blue fire from their eyes to incinerate intruders.

Meep!

Draco’s serene smile twisted into something psychotic. “Aaaaaaand I rigged your gingerbread house to explode. We should really run away now.”

So very glad I wasn't drinking anything.

A giant gingerbread man with long white frosting hair stood at the door of the manor, licorice eyebrows slanted down over sparkling, sugary ice-blue gumdrop eyes as it shouted angrily and shook its large brown arm at them.

~dies laughing~

“And as for the ‘dirty tart’ thing, I always kinda liked that about you.”

~dies again~

~pokey's ghost memories for future lolz~

~and then decides to haunt gravidy~

15th-Dec-2009 06:58 am (UTC)
>>Fornicating anatomically-correct gingerbread men, I hope?

You have no idea. I wanted to do sooooo much with those gingerbread men but I just kept repeating 'Keep it rated G. Keep it rated G.' Which I failed at anyway by the way (Anyone notice that?). Also Draco decided to use the frosting as body paint at one point but it was too sticky but then he found a use for that by decorating himself with candy. . . but that all got cut out of the story. :(

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
16th-May-2010 07:23 pm (UTC)
I want to read those outtakes!

(I'm old enough - physically, anyway)

~puppy dog eyes~
(Deleted comment)
15th-Dec-2009 07:07 am (UTC)
Thank you. I'm happy you enjoyed it.

Inlaws. Don't even get me started.

>>The Malfoy manor was now an absolutely dazzling, candy-coated gingerbread masterpiece

heehee. I was actually a little annoyed at Draco for that. Yeah he was getting back at his folks but he also kinda one-upped Hermione's poor little gingerbread house (and blew it up in the process). Hmm. Maybe he was just showing off for her. She was obviously impressed. ;D
11th-Dec-2009 09:21 pm (UTC)
You had me from this:
“It’s so we always have the option in any given situation to choose whether or not to be offended.” He told her blithely. “You can’t just cut someone down at the dinner table while they pass the peas just because the mood strikes you. You need a legitimate fake reason to blame your homicidal tendencies on.”

I am still chortling. Excellent holiday fic!
11th-Dec-2009 09:38 pm (UTC)
That was hilarious, the whole way through (loved the image of Draco as a noisy baby bird being fed by Hermione), but especially the following:

The Malfoy manor was now an absolutely dazzling, candy-coated gingerbread masterpiece that filled Hermione’s little heart with gingerbread envy. A giant gingerbread man with long white frosting hair stood at the door of the manor, licorice eyebrows slanted down over sparkling, sugary ice-blue gumdrop eyes as it shouted angrily and shook its large brown arm at them

That was great. Amazing xmas fic, good job!
12th-Dec-2009 12:10 am (UTC)
“OW!” And received a hard tug on her hair in retribution and when she did turn around, ready to scold, she got a hard, wet smack of lips on lips before he darted out of striking distance.

Oh my gosh, I love how sweet (no pun) they are together, but oh so totally Granger and Malfoy.

This had me in stitches the entire time. The recap of the dinner was hysterical. I don't know which I loved most Narcissa dressed as a mourning mother or Astoria feeling up Draco. And albino peacocks that shoot lasers? Ha! :)
12th-Dec-2009 02:37 am (UTC)
Lol that's why Draco was so calm during the dinner. Very funny, I like it!
12th-Dec-2009 11:49 am (UTC)
This was hilarious! Gravidy, you're really so talented! Your fics remain some of our favorites, and this drabble shows you can write humor, too. So funny!

Loved the way Draco and Hermione greeted each other- kind of rough, playful, but totally them. Hehe. And Hermione's so clever, doing that centerpiece/dessert. Funny that both she and Lucius prepared so carefully for that night.

Folding your napkin being a death threat to the host, and holding your spoon based on the alignment of the planets- too funny! Had us cracking up. :D But this was our favorite:

Astoria Herpes Von Gangrene Ass

Hahaha!!!

And Lucius turning into a gingerbread man. So funny. This drabble was just so, so hilarious. :D
12th-Dec-2009 03:59 pm (UTC)
I laughed out loud over this. Seriously, like big, loud guffaws.

Just fabulous!
12th-Dec-2009 06:05 pm (UTC)
That. Was. Brilliant.
13th-Dec-2009 02:36 am (UTC)
FABULOUS! The ending was simply perfect. I can just picture Draco sitting through dinner, through his father's ridiculous rules and etiquette and such, just knowing what was going to happen. Also knowing he needed to get him and Hermione out of there before the big boom. Awesome story!
13th-Dec-2009 08:11 am (UTC)
Ah, one of my favourite authors!! I really laughed at how Draco said he rigged up the gingerbread house. That was hilarious! And the gingerbread man totally cracked me up!!! I wanted to hit Draco when Hermione said he didn't stand up to them; completely appalled me. But all is forgiven with his sneakiness! Loved it. =D
20th-Dec-2009 06:48 am (UTC)
So cute!:D Pureblood society is a complex one indeed.
20th-Dec-2009 05:25 pm (UTC)
ROFLCOPTER FLIGHT XDDD

This was amazing and humorous. I love fics where Draco isn't 100% lovely and sweet and which also draw on all the hilarious aspects of Pureblood culture. I can only imagine the tomes of etiquette XD
22nd-Dec-2009 05:03 am (UTC)
ROFL. That was just completely and totally made of WIN. Lucius as an angry gingerbread man! Draco taking a leaf out of Fred and George's book and rigging the gingerbread house to explode! It had me giggling in fits. I will never be able to look at a gingerbread house the same way ever ever again. ♥
27th-Jan-2010 02:27 pm (UTC)
LOVED. THIS. The bit about Narcissa pretending that Draco was dead, with all the funereal attitudes, especially hilarious. Draco's revenge was perfect.
11th-Mar-2010 11:23 pm (UTC)
I know I'm late to the party but this was frickin' fantastic! I've never laughed so hard over a fic in my life. This was done brilliantly and I cackled throughout this whole thing like a crazy woman.

Some of my favorite parts:

“It’s not really a house. It’s more like a shack. A gingerbread shack. Probably full of gingerbread Weasleys.”

The image of Hermione with warts and a hunchback. Draco with rabbit ears? OMFG AWESOME!

Folding your napkin in your lap is NOT a death threat to the host. No Pureblood I ever spoke to said ANYTHING about what angle my spoon was supposed to be held at in relation to the alignment of the planets. Shooting infertility spells at me under the table and spitting in my drink is NOT a compliment.
BWUAH!

This fic is pure genius.

That is all.
2nd-Nov-2010 02:16 am (UTC)
I am here by way of the rec at fangirl_tour. For a minute there I was distress at Draco for not backing up Hermione. How could I have doubted him? Excellent revenge. tee hee!
7th-Apr-2011 04:35 pm (UTC)
Aaaaaah xd I should not have been drinking tea while reading the last few sentences xd It almost made me spit out the tea on my laptop xd and having a leaking nose with tea xd hahahaha. just brilliant

xxx
5th-Sep-2011 07:04 am (UTC)
Oh my this made me laugh so hard. I just loved how serene Draco was but then the explosion just had me in a fit of giggles. Really cute story.
3rd-Dec-2011 06:33 pm (UTC)
That was super awesome. I love gingerbread!Lucius.
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